How can I talk to parents about biting and hitting in my program? - post

Introduction

Talking to families about a child who has bitten or hit can feel hard. You want to be honest, keep children safe, and keep the family relationship strong. This article gives simple steps you can use when you need to tell #parents about #biting or #hitting. It also helps you #plan together to support the #children and improve #communication between school and home.

Why it #matters:

1) Biting or hitting can hurt other children and make families anxious. 2) How we talk to families shapes trust and teamwork. Good conversations help adults teach #safer ways for children to show feelings. For background on how common these behaviors are and why they happen, see Biting and Hitting. Normal behavior? from ChildCareEd.

Quick note: state requirements vary - check your state licensing agency and your program policies before you meet with families.

1) Why does a child bite or hit and what do I tell parents first?

Start with facts and kindness. Many children bite or hit because they are tired, teething, frustrated, or still #learning words and self-control. This is explained in detail in How To Handle Children Who Bite and How to handle hitting in #toddlers. When you speak with families:

1. 📋 State the observable facts (who, what, where, when). Keep it short. Example: "Today at block time, Jonah bit another child on the arm. We cleaned the area and watched both children closely."
2. 🤝 Show care for everyone: "We helped the child who was hurt and stayed with Jonah to calm him down."
3. 🔗 Link behavior to common causes: "Toddlers sometimes bite if they are teething or can't find words." (cite KidsHealth on biting and ChildCareEd resources above)
4. ✅ End with a plan to follow up: "We want to work with you to help Jonah learn other ways to ask for a toy."

Use calm #language and avoid blame. Families are more open when they feel respected. For tips on starting these conversations and keeping them collaborative, see How Do I Talk to Parents About Behaviors Their Child Learned at Home?.

2) What should a clear report or message include?

Parents need facts, not drama. A clear message helps them act and trust you. Use a short written note plus a quick verbal conversation when possible. ChildCareEd recommends keeping reports factual and protecting privacy (do not name other children) in their family communication guidance.

1. 🕒 Time & place: When did it happen?
2. 👀 What you saw: Simple, factual sentence(s).
3. 🩺 Immediate care: What you did for the child who was hurt (cleaned, watched, first aid if needed).
4. 📚 Teaching steps: What you taught the child who bit/hit right after (e.g., "Hands are for helping. Say 'my turn'.").
5. 🔁 Next steps and follow-up: When you will check back in and any home ideas to try together.

Example short report line: "Today at 10:15 during snack, Sam hit another child. We kept both children safe, used our calm-down corner, and practiced 'gentle hands.' We'll check in with you tomorrow." For sample forms like an accident or incident report, see ChildCareEd's Accident/ Injury Report and the Behavior Incident Report System resources at NCPMI BIRS.

3) How do we make a simple team plan with families? 

Partnering with families gives a consistent message to children. Use these steps to build a short plan everyone can use:

1. 🔎 Observe and record a pattern: Note when and where the biting/hitting happens.
2. 🧭 Pick 2–3 prevention steps: More toys, smaller group at risky times, or a 2-minute warning before transitions. (See prevention ideas in How to handle hitting in toddlers.)
3. 🗣️ Teach one replacement skill: e.g., say "My turn," show "stop" sign, or squeeze a #stress ball.
4. 🤲 Agree on calm scripts adults will use (same words at home and school). ChildCareEd and the Pyramid Model stress family partnerships; see Family Engagement.
5. 📆 Set a short check-in date (3–7 days) to see progress.

Example script for adults: "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts. Use your words: 'My turn, please.'" Keep the same wording at home and school so the child hears one clear message. For stronger systems and training, ChildCareEd offers courses like Ouch! Biting & Hitting Hurts.

4) How do I avoid mistakes and handle frequent or serious incidents? (Common mistakes + FAQ)

Common mistakes to avoid:

1. ❌ Blaming the family or the child. This harms trust. Instead, describe facts and offer solutions. See Managing challenging behavior without shame.
2. ❌ Writing a surprise note home without talking. Families prefer a quick face-to-face or phone call for serious incidents.
3. ❌ Using long lectures with toddlers. Keep messages short and age-appropriate.

When incidents are frequent or severe:

1. 📈 Collect behavior data (when, where, who, what). Use the Behavior Incident Report System ideas: BIRS.
2. 👥 Bring the team together: teachers, director, and the family to make a Positive Behavior Support plan. See CSEFEL's PBS guidance: CSEFEL What Works Brief.
3. 📞 If needed, suggest extra supports (coaching, #mental- #health consultant) while protecting privacy and following your policies.

FAQ (short answers):

1. Q: Should I tell the biting child's parents right away? A: Yes. Be factual, calm, and private.
2. Q: Do I name the other child? A: No. Protect privacy; report facts without naming peers.
3. Q: Is biting normal? A: It can be typical for young toddlers, but it needs clear limits and teaching; see Understanding Biting and Hitting.
4. Q: When should I seek extra help? A: If incidents are frequent, intense, or cause injury often, involve your director and consider a behavior support plan.

Conclusion

Talking with families about #biting and #hitting is easier when you are prepared, kind, and practical. Use short facts, show care, offer a simple plan, and follow up. Work together with families so children get the same messages at home and at your program. For training and tools, ChildCareEd has helpful resources and courses like Ouch! Biting & Hitting Hurts and many free resources at Resources - Ouch! Biting & Hitting Hurts. Remember: state requirements vary - check your state licensing agency. You are not alone — small, consistent steps make a big difference for children and families.