Managing challenging behavior without shame: a provider’s toolkit - post

What does “no shame” guidance mean in child care?

“No shame” guidance means we correct behavior without hurting a child’s dignity. We don’t embarrass children, label them (“You’re a bad kid”), or use fear to control them. Instead, we:

 

• Stay calm and firm

• Keep everyone safe

• Teach the skill the child is missing

• Repair the relationship after hard moments 

 

NAEYC also emphasizes using guidance instead of punishment and focusing on teaching social skills over time. 

Why do children show challenging behavior in the first place?

Many young children do not yet have strong self-control. Their brains are still growing. They may know what they want, but not how to ask for it or wait for it.

Challenging behavior often happens when a child:

 

• Can’t communicate a need (especially young #toddlers or dual #language learners)

• Feels out of control during transitions

• Is overstimulated (noise, crowding, bright lights)

• Is tired, hungry, sick, or uncomfortable

• Wants attention or connection

 

Responsive, back-and-forth adult support (“serve and return”) helps children build #healthy brain skills for behavior and learning. 

What is the first tool in a “no shame” toolkit?

The first tool is your mindset: “Behavior is communication.”

Before you react, try this quick pause:

 

• Breathe once

• Think #safety-first

• Ask: “What is this child trying to tell me?”

 

This mindset helps you respond with teaching instead of anger. #CalmClassroom

How do you stop un #safe-behavior without shaming a child?

You can be kind and still be firm. Use a clear, calm limit.

Say what you see + set the limit

 

• “You’re angry. I won’t let you hit.”

• “Blocks are for building, not throwing.”

• “I’m going to move you back to keep everyone safe.”

 

Do what you say

 

• Gently block hits

• Move breakable items

• Separate children if needed

• Stay close and calm

 

Keep your words short. When children are upset, they cannot handle long lectures.

If you want a helpful training that focuses on turning behavior moments into learning moments, this course fits well: The ABCs of Behavior: Turning Challenges into Learning Opportunities

 

What can you say instead of “Stop it!” or “What’s wrong with you?”

Words #matter. Shame-based phrases can stick in a child’s mind and harm confidence. Harvard Health notes that shaming can have lasting effects on children’s self-esteem. 

Try these #respectful replacements:

Instead of: “Stop crying.”
Say: “You’re upset. I’m here.”

Instead of: “You’re being bad.”
Say: “Hitting hurts. Hands stay safe.”

Instead of: “If you don’t listen, you’ll lose ___.”
Say: “First clean up, then we choose a book.”

Instead of: “You should know better!”
Say: “You’re still learning. I will show you.”

This is not “letting it slide.” It’s correcting behavior while protecting the child’s dignity.

How do you find the “why” behind the behavior?

A simple way is to use the ABC pattern:

 

• A = Antecedent: What happened right before?

• B = Behavior: What did the child do?

• C = Consequence: What happened after?

 

This helps you notice patterns and prevent future problems. NAEYC describes functional approaches to understand what keeps challenging behavior going. 

Example

 

• A: Teacher says, “Clean up now.”

• B: Child screams and throws toys. 

• C: Child gets extra attention and #delays cleanup.

 

Now you can #plan: warn before transitions, give a job during cleanup, teach calming words, and keep the limit steady.

What are fast classroom tools that prevent behavior before it starts?

Prevention is powerful—and it helps the whole group.

Try these “prevention tools”

 

• Visual schedule with pictures

• 2-minute warning before transitions

• Clear classroom rules with simple words

• More movement breaks (dance, stretch, jump)

• Reduce waiting time (busy hands = calmer bodies)

• Offer small choices: “Do you want crayons or markers?”

 

A #free ChildCareEd resource that gives practical routines and strategies is: Preschool Classroom Management

How do you teach replacement skills (what to do instead)?

Children need a clear “replacement” skill, not just “don’t do that.”

Pick one skill and practice it often:

 

• Ask for a turn: “Can I have a turn?”

• Use a safe signal: “Stop.” / “No, thank you.” 

• Calm the body: 3 deep breaths, squeeze hands, count to 5

• Get help: “Help, please.”

 

Teach it when calm
Use role- #play during circle time:

 

• “Let’s practice what to say if you want a toy.”

• “Show me gentle hands with the doll.”

 

This builds real skills over time. #SocialEmotionalLearning

For deeper practice on positive guidance and consistent discipline that teaches skills (not fear), these courses are great matches:

 

• Solutions NOT Punishments

• Viewing Guidance in a Positive Light

 

What should you do after a hard moment (repair and reconnect)?

Repair is a key “no shame” tool. It shows children: “Even when things go wrong, we can fix it.”

Keep it simple:

 

• “That was hard. I’m still here.”

• “Let’s try again.”

• “What can we do next time?”

 

For #preschoolers, you can add a quick problem-solving step:

 

• “What happened?”

• “How did you feel?”

• “What can we do instead?”

 

How do you partner with families without blaming?

Families and #teachers are on the same team. Keep conversations respectful, factual, and focused on support.

Use this 3-part message

 

• Share a strength: “Sam is curious and loves building.”

• Share a fact: “This week he hit during cleanup three times.”

• Share a plan: “We’re teaching ‘help’ words and using a 2-minute warning.”

 

Ask:

 

• “What works at #home when this happens?”  

• “What words do you use for calming down?”

 

The CDC also shares positive parenting tips that focus on supporting children’s development with guidance and structure. 

When should you ask for extra help or support?

Sometimes you need more support—and that’s okay.

Ask your director, coach, or support team when:

 

• Behavior is unsafe and happens often

• A child seems very anxious, withdrawn, or overwhelmed daily

• Your strategies are not helping after consistent practice

• You need help creating a plan that fits the child’s needs

 

Seeking support is professional and child-centered. 

Where can you find more ChildCareEd support right now?

For a related ChildCareEd article that connects strongly to shame-free behavior guidance, read: Positive Discipline

 

And for short, practical videos you can share with your team, follow ChildCareEd on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/@childcareed. Hit “Subscribe” so you don’t miss new tips. 

When we manage behavior without shame, we do more than stop a problem. We teach children: “You are good. You are learning. And I will help you.”