Big feelings: helping kids calm down (age-by-age) - post

Why do kids have “big feelings”?

Children often have big feelings when they are:

• Tired or hungry
• Overstimulated (too much noise, light, or activity)
• Frustrated (they can’t do something yet)
• Scared or surprised
• Needing connection (they want a trusted adult close)

Many children also struggle because they don’t have the words to explain what they need.

What should you do first when a child is upset?

Before you try to “teach a lesson,” help the child feel #safe. 

Try this simple order:

• Connect: “I’m here. You’re safe.”
• Calm: breathe, move to a quiet spot, lower your voice
• Coach: name feelings, offer a choice, help them solve the problem

This is often called “co-regulation.” It means the adult stays calm so the child can borrow that calm.

How can you help kids calm down in the moment (any age)?

Here are calm-down steps that work in many situations:

• Get close and get low (kneel to the child’s level)
• Use a quiet voice (soft, slow words)
• Name what you see: “Your face looks upset. Your body is tight.”
• Offer one simple choice: “Do you want a hug or space?”
• Keep words short (too many words can make it worse)

Helpful “calm scripts”:

• “I won’t let you hurt yourself or others. I’m here.”
• “Let’s breathe together—one, two, three.”
• “When your body is calm, we can talk.”

How do calming strategies change by age?

Children’s needs look different at each stage. Use this age-by-age guide to pick strategies that fit.

What helps infants (0–12 months) calm down?

Infants cannot calm down alone yet. They need an adult to help their body feel safe.

Try:

• Hold and rock gently
• Soft humming or singing
• Dim lights / reduce noise
• Slow breathing while holding them
• Offer a pacifier (if used by the family)
• Check basic needs: diaper, hunger, temperature, sleep

What to say (simple and steady):

• “I’m here.”
• “You’re safe.”

Tip: If an infant cries often, watch for patterns (time of day, sounds, transitions). Then plan ahead to prevent overwhelm.

What helps #toddlers (1–2 years) calm down?

Toddlers have big feelings because they want independence, but their #language and impulse control are still growing.

Try:

• Name the feeling: “Mad.” “Sad.” “No!”
• Give two choices: “Do you want the blue cup or the red cup?”
• Use movement: stomp feet, wall pushes, squeeze a pillow
• Use “first/then”: “First clean up, then bubbles.”
• Offer a calm space with you nearby (not a punishment)

What to say:

• “You’re mad. I get it.”
• “Hands stay safe.”
• “Let’s take a breath together.”

Avoid: long explanations in the moment. Toddlers learn best when calm.

What helps #preschoolers (3–5 years) calm down?

Preschoolers can start learning calming tools—and practicing them during calm times.

Try:

• Balloon breathing (breathe in big, breathe out slow)
• Count slowly to 5 or 10
• Feelings choices: “Do you need a break, a hug, or help?”
• Calm-down corner with a few simple items: 
• soft toy
• sensory bottle
• emotion cards
• a picture of breathing steps

A great #free tool is ChildCareEd’s calm-down cards you can print and use in your calming area: Calm Down Strategy Cards. Mixed Ages. Social-Emotional.

What to say:

• “Your body looks like it needs a break.”
• “Let’s pick one calm tool.”
• “When you’re ready, we’ll solve the problem together.”

What helps school-age children (5–8 years) calm down?

School-age children may want privacy, but they still need support and coaching.

Try:

• Teach a simple plan: Stop → Breathe → Choose
• Help them notice body clues (tight fists, fast heart, hot face)
• Use coping choices:
• draw it
• take a walk
• get a drink of water
• write a short note about what happened
• Problem-solve after calm:
• “What happened?”
• “What were you feeling?”
• “What can we try next time?”

What to say:

• “I can see you’re upset. Want help or space?”
• “Let’s make a plan for next time.”

How can you teach calm-down skills before kids melt down?

Kids learn best when they are already calm. Build skills every day with quick practice:

• Practice breathing during circle time (30 seconds is enough)
• Read #books about feelings and talk about characters’ choices
• Play “feelings faces” (guess emotions using facial expressions)
• Make a class calm plan: “What can we do when we feel mad?”
• Praise effort: “You used your words. That helped!”

Small daily practice creates big change over time.

What if a child hits, bites, or throws things when upset?

Safety comes first.

In the moment:

• Block un #safe-behavior calmly: “I won’t let you hit.”
• Move other children if needed.
• Offer a safe replacement: 
• “You can stomp.”
• “You can squeeze this pillow.”
• “You can tell me ‘I’m mad!’”

Afterward (when calm):

• Keep it short and clear:
• “Hitting hurts.”
• “Next time, use your calm tool or call me.”

Which ChildCareEd trainings can help you support emotional regulation?

If you want deeper support for big feelings and behavior, these ChildCareEd courses are a strong match:

• Early Emotional Wellness: 
• Opportunity for Growth: Emotional Development: 
• Brighter Futures: Social Emotional Development: 

Where can you find more ChildCareEd help on big feelings?

For more tips and #examples, this related ChildCareEd article is a helpful read: Big feelings: Teaching Kids to Manage Difficult Emotions

And for fresh ideas you can use in your #classroom, follow ChildCareEd here: https://linktr.ee/childcareed