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Using Reflective Listening to Defuse Tantrums

image in article Using Reflective Listening to Defuse TantrumsWhy Tantrums Happen

Young children often act out through tantrums when they are overwhelmed, frustrated, or lack the words to #express their feelings. As a child-care provider, you have a powerful opportunity to respond in a way that acknowledges those feelings, rather than simply managing the behavior. One of the most effective tools for doing this is reflective listening.

Reflective listening is when you listen to the child’s words, tone and body #language, then reflect back in your own words what you believe the child is feeling and why. This gives the child the sense of “I’m heard” and often reduces the intensity of the upset. 

What Reflective Listening Looks Like in Child-Care

When a child is having a tantrum, here’s how you might use reflective listening:

  • Stop what you are doing and move close to the child (physically and emotionally) so you are at their level.

  • Give them your full attention—make eye contact, physically face them, use calming tone of voice.

  • Listen first, without interrupting or immediately trying to fix the behavior.

  • Reflect back what you see and hear. For example:

    “I see you are crying and throwing your blocks. It looks like you’re feeling angry because you didn’t get to choose the game.”

  • Continue until the child calms enough to engage. Then you can guide toward problem-solving or behavior choices.

Why It Works

Reflective listening works for several reasons:

  • It helps the child feel understood and supported. 

  • It gives the child a word for their emotion (angry, sad, frustrated, left out) which increases their self- #awareness. 

  • It interrupts the escalation cycle—when a child feels heard they are less likely to continue escalating behavior.

  • It builds relationship and trust: the child knows your role is not just to enforce rules but to help them make sense of big feelings.

Step-by-Step Guide for Child Care Providers

Here’s a simple step-by-step process you can follow when a tantrum happens in your care setting:

  1. Pause and approach calmly.

    • Stop other tasks.

    • Get down to the child’s level so you are face-to-face or side-by-side.

    • Take a deep breath yourself to ensure you stay calm.

  2. Tune in and observe.

    • Watch the child’s body language, listen to tone of voice and words.

    • Ask yourself: “What is the feeling behind this behavior?”

    • Resist the urge to immediately correct, punish, or lecture.

  3. Reflect back words + feelings.

    • Use phrases like: “It seems like…”, “I hear you…”, “You look like you’re…”.

    • For example: “You look really upset because you wanted to #play with that truck and someone else took it.”

    • Try to be accurate but it’s okay if your reflection isn’t perfect—the child can clarify. 

  4. Validate the feeling (not necessarily the behavior).

    • Say: “It makes sense you feel that way.”

    • Then set a boundary around the behavior: “It’s okay to feel angry, but we don’t hit others when we’re angry.”

    • This separates the feeling (valid) from the behavior (needs changing).

  5. Offer a choice or solution once calm.

    • For example: “Would you like to choose a different toy, or we can wait until the toy is free?”

    • Invite the child into the solution rather than just telling them what to do.

  6. Follow up with support.

    • After the child has settled, you can help them label the feeling: “You were frustrated that you didn’t get the truck.”

    • Reinforce that you’re there for them and that you noticed: “Thank you for calming down and telling me what happened.”

    • Document or note the episode if appropriate as part of your observation for future support.

Practical Tips & Reminders

  • Use simple, short sentences. Young children may have limited language and attention spans. 

  • Stay neutral in tone: your facial expression and body language should signal you’re calm and available.

  • Avoid telling children what they “should” feel (“Don’t be angry”), because that can shut down communication. 

  • Remember: It’s not about lecturing; it’s about listening first.

  • If you are dealing with a child who frequently has tantrums, reflect with your team or supervisor about patterns and possible underlying needs (tiredness, hunger, frustration, transitions).

  • Use reflective listening not just during tantrums but as a regular communication habit—this builds a calmer environment and fewer escalations.

Example Scenarios

Scenario A: Two-year-old loses a toy

Child bangs on floor and screams: “Mine! Mine!”
You approach, kneel beside them, say:

“You look very sad and upset because you didn’t get the truck. You really wanted it.”
The child continues. You follow with:
“You’re angry that Johnny took it. It’s okay to be angry. We can ask him to give it back, or you can pick another toy.”
Child calms and chooses another toy.

Scenario B: Preschooler refuses to transition

Child says “No!” repeatedly when asked to tidy up for snack.
You respond:

“It seems like you’re frustrated because snack time came too fast and you weren’t finished playing.”
Then:
“You’re angry about stopping your game. You can help me carry one toy to the shelf, then we’ll wash hands and eat.”
Child agrees and transitions.

Why This Matters in Child-Care Settings

In group child-care settings, tantrums can disrupt schedules, upset other children, and feel #stressful for providers. When you use reflective listening, you help prevent escalation, maintain a calmer #classroom-environment, and strengthen your connection with the child. Over time, children begin to internalize that their feelings matter, that someone is listening, and they may begin to use words rather than tantrums to express upset.

Moreover, when children feel heard and understood, they are more likely to cooperate and engage. For providers, using reflective listening becomes a proactive guidance strategy rather than just reactive correction.

Professional Development & Next Steps

If you’d like to deepen your skills in listening and communication in child-care, consider these resources:

Also, join the conversation and connect with us on social media: Instagram 

 


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